How to Succeed in Business by Becoming a Bad Person
Hello. I am not a successful person. In fact, you would be correct in calling me an “angry teenager” or a “therapist’s gold mine”.
Throughout my life, while eating sandwiches at my desk and looking at the small amount I have left in my savings account and realizing that it will need to go towards car registration, because, of course, having a renegade off-the-books 2001 Toyota Prius would reduce society to shambles — I have observed the successful people around me, and have noticed some patterns and behaviors that they share in common.
Before I begin, please keep in mind that the things I’m about to tell you are highly unethical. I do not recommend following these steps if, for example, you wish to sleep at night. But if you choose to proceed, I can only imagine that, upon succeeding, your brain gets warped and you no longer see the world for what it is, and instead you view babies as livestock and xerox machines as candy stores.
1. Talk Loudly On The Phone
It does not matter if you are speaking with a client, a physician, or the answering machine at a Panera Bread, speak loudly on the phone. If your office has a door, make sure that it is open, or, if you’ve already started to make a call and you forgot to open the door, make sure the volume of your voice transcends the physical barrier of the door.
2. Make Sure that Your Laugh is Obnoxious as Possible.
Imagine, for a second, that you’re an oil executive dialing up a lobbyist, and that you want to drill into the ground of the nearest botanical garden, but first, you need to ask them about their son, or their yacht, or their son’s yacht, or their yacht’s son (which is rich people talk for a smaller boat that’s been recently purchased). Once your heart’s temperature reaches absolute zero, let out your monstrous, cigarette-serpentine laugh.
3. Stand Closely to People, as in Way Too Close to People
Do you know what the pores on your coworkers faces look like? If the answer to this is no, then you are not standing close enough to them when you’re talking.
Try to find small corridors, like the space between parking spots, or the part of the office that your coworker feels the most safe in, like their cubicle, to talk. Move closer until you see them retract their neck in an effort to move their head back but keep their body still, and that’s when you should keep going closer. Remember, do this with the aim of absolute social hostility. You want them to feel like a panda trapped in solitary confinement, but make sure your actions, on the surface, seem friendly.
There is a societal exploit that I’m pained to explain to you, and it’s that no one has found an acceptable way to say “back off, you heathen”, nor is it possible to teach any adult self-awareness, so smile and be in drooling distance of your coworkers.
4. Do Absolutely Nothing
The secret of maintaining a business is not, I repeat, is not productivity. If there is still work to be done, then there is a reason for your business to exist, and so by doing no work, you are ensuring the necessity of yourself, and your company.
This does not mean that you have the leeway to lie around in your office doing nothing all day. Although, upon reflection, it totally does. I am speaking specifically, however, about a manic energy you can harness to “do things” but ultimately come up with nothing. Your entire job is to metaphorically connect the escalator going up to the escalator going down in a never-ending carousel of ineffectiveness.
5. Mythologize Yourself As A Hero
When you do, by chance, find that you have done some small amount of work, make sure everyone is notified. If you’ve changed a word document to a pdf, take a stroll around the office to ask everyone if they’ve received it. Regardless of whether or not anyone asks you a follow up question, respond anyway, and pick a number between 4 and 8. That is how many hours you spent on it, and that why you can wipe your forehead and allow yourself to “take it easy for the rest of the day”.
If, however, you have not done any work, this is alright. In the drudges of menial labor there will always be those who are quiet. Make sure to take advantage of them. You can be first to report the work, even if it was not your own. You can be the first to quote their research in a meeting, smiling as you do it. You are immune to any sort of retaliation because in the 40–50 hour workweek, there is simply not enough time or energy to fight this fight.
6. Pray at the Altar of Satan
I’m joking of course, but do start rationalizing the horrible behaviors you’ve adapted. Start thinking to yourself, “well, if they would’ve have been successful, they would’ve been successful”. You have earned this. You can take this slide down the scale of moral relativity, like a garbage bag in a trash chute, and not thank anyone else but yourself.
After all, your superiors were never as good as you, and as for the younger generation, like your nephew who called you closed minded at Thanksgiving after you said the country could benefit from having less immigration, screw ’em. Take your disposable income and purchase an AirBnB to drive up the local rent.
7. The Disclaimer Rule
This rule is not an official rule. This rule is only meant for those disenfranchised, and I want to whisper to you and with the upmost care and the most protective love as I hand you this eggshell of truth over a spiked floor of reality. These options are not available to you. No.
Your job is to make other people feel comfortable. But are there are little things you can do. Try not to have your work taken from you. Try and talk a little louder.
