State of the Yu-nion Address
11.09.2021
Fair warning, this entire thing is going to be about me. I need to have a conversation with myself and unfortunately, I can’t do it unless I know other people are watching. It’s weird, don’t get me wrong. But some people only eat vegetables and fish, so, we’ve all got our quirks.
The goal of this conversation, I’ve suddenly realized, is to decide whether or not I’m a bad person. I apologize in advance if I’ve set off the 20-something-male-is-moping-online alarm in your home just now, so I’ll give you a second to open a window.
I am unemployed. This one simple statement has led to an avalanche of intrusive thoughts, each one taking up space in my head, each one just as loud as the last.
This might be surprising, but I don’t hate not having a job. In fact, I prefer it to working. If I could let my brain stop here, holy shit, I would be so happy. You wouldn’t even recognize me. I’d be outside right now, wearing sunglasses and popping my collar and saying things like “hey rockstar, can I get a fruit smoothie?” without the fear of getting punched in the face right after.
But no, that’s thought number one. Thought number two is: what’s wrong with you? Don’t you want a career?
And here’s the thing, thought number two is making some points. It’s like the classmate in high school who asked, “why didn’t you start your essay earlier?” and it’s like, we get it. You’re right. Please go away, I’m trying to throw dodgeballs well enough so that I can get a good grade in gym which is necessary for my GPA to be high enough for college applications.
I don’t have a clear response to thought number two. Here’s what happens next in my head.
What do you mean, it should be obvious you entitled freeloader. Whoa, hey, let’s stop with the negative language and be a little kinder to ourselves. Nope — you’ve been coddled your entire life and that’s why you’re in this position in the first place, maybe you don’t deserve kindness right now. Okay fine, let’s focus on defining our career then. Well, there’s no easy answer to that. Look — now it’s 11am and you haven’t done anything all morning, so this entire day is wasted and you’ve failed, again. Figure it out. But maybe it’s society that’s wrong and —
I’m going to skip ahead here. Three hours later, I’ll usually be thinking about how I’m going to support my imaginary children in the future, and then I’ll argue with myself about whether or not it’s immoral to have children on a planet that’s running out of water.
Now’s a great time to remind you that I’m a lot of fun at parties.
Here’s one diagnosis about why I’m struggling so much. In my mind, I don’t think I’m “supposed” to be struggling right now. Growing up, I thought succeeding in school meant that I would have my career entirely figured out by age twenty six.
Before you say that this is common, that this is what most people struggle with if they were once called “special” or “gifted” as children:
No, you’re wrong. I’m even more special than those losers, okay? I got to read a poem on the loudspeaker when I was ten. I’m different. Sure, I hate myself but I also think that I’m better than everyone. I am not supposed to be struggling right now. The poem was about a fucking tree, and it was genius, okay? That’s the caliber of person we’re dealing with here.
I’m going to take a deep breath for a second.
Maybe this is just growing up. Thanks god, for making it easy. I would like to stop hosting this mental debate club every waking hour of every single day, where no one wins.
As a reader, I’m sure that it would be satisfying to know that because I’ve written this, I’m going to turn over a new leaf tomorrow and be kinder to myself. Unfortunately — and really, I wish it wasn’t so — but I don’t think that’s going to happen.
Maybe it’s a good start to at least recognize that this is the conversation we’re having. To at least parse through some of the thoughts, instead of experiencing them all at the same time, at full intensity.
I wish things were different.
Thank you, for letting me admit that.
-Yusong
